Nonverbal communication

Top Tips to Improve Nonverbal Communication

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The trouble with Paula was, she was always worrying. She worried what people thought of her; worried about what she was wearing. She worried about being too fat… being different… not knowing the right thing to say. These inner worries were etched all over her face. Now, even when she felt happy, she seemed to have a permanently worried expression.

‘I think the way I look is having an effect on how people react to me’, she said. ‘I don’t think I’m very approachable… I want to project a happier image’, Paula told me ‘but I’m not sure where to start’.

Paula was right to be concerned but there was certainly something she could do about it. At least she was aware that body language is an important part of communication.

Paula reminded me of a client I had met several years ago who also seemed tocarry the weight of the world on her shoulders. When I met her at the door, I had an impression she was scowling at me. First impressions count. That client had referred to herself as ‘a fierce maggot’ and I had set her some home work of simply smiling at people and seeing what changed. She had returned the following week with the news that people had been more friendly to her. A neighbour she hadn’t spoken to before had even invited her in for coffee.

Paula and my client had both become aware of the significance of how they present themselves to the world and the impact they were having on others.

It’s Impossible Not to Communicate

‘All people smile in the same language.’ – Proverb

Body language is a large part of communication. It’s impossible not to communicate even when you are not saying one word. How you stand, or dress together with the fleeting micro-expressions of your face will convey a large amount of information… and for very good reason.

Millions of years ago, before human beings evolved the power of speech, we would have relied on grunts, grimaces, smiles and a deeply instinctive understanding of what others were trying to communicate.

We are hard wired to have opinions and judge others within seconds of encountering them. Is this person friend or foe, of my tribe or another tribe? Am I in danger or not in danger?

Understanding body language is essential in order to improve nonverbal communication.

In conversation, being able to present and read nonverbal communication is really helpful.

The mnemonic SOLER is a reminder which contains five tips for making a really great start with positive communication and good listening.

Sit Square

It’s a really good idea to face the person you’re going to be talking with. If you sit side-by-side or find you are looking at the back of somebody’s head, it will be impossible to communicate fully as we read faces and all the micro expressions and nuances they convey.

Open Posture

Crossed arms or legs close the body down and give a nonverbal message of disinterest. When we close ourselves off in this way, we are saying ‘I am hiding something’ or ‘I do not really want to be here in this conversation with you.’ If you see this body language in others, it conveys a clear message which you will understand on a subconscious level.

We All Smile The Same Language

Lean In

If you go to a restaurant and look around the tables, you can tell me couples who are tuned into each other as they are leaning in, mirroring body language.

If somebody is leaning back on the chair, the nonverbal message again, is one of disengagement or disinterest.

If the verbal messages are at odds with the non verbal messages, this is referred to as ‘in-congruence’ and will create tension in the communication, sometimes a problem with couples as, generally, women are better at picking up these non verbal clues than men.

Eye Contact

When people are speaking they tend to look around the room and occasionally glance back at the person they’re talking to. If that person is looking away, it would appear as though they are not interested in the words of the speaker.

Somebody who is listening and attending will be looking directly at the person talking. They will nod or give minimal cues such as ‘uhu’ or ‘yes’ to show active listening.

Relax

If you look relaxed, the person you’re talking with is likely to feel relaxed too. Empathic mirror neuron circuitry means we reflect the body language of others when we are tuned in.

Smile and The World Smiles Back

‘Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.‘― Thich Nhat Hanh

But the biggest and best difference you can make to your approachability and attractiveness to others is, by far, contained in the power of the smile….but it has to be genuine!

Most people pick up on a smile which is fake as it involves the muscles around the mouth but not the eyes. Gordan Brown was a classic example of someone who had been instructed to smile more. Consequently, he often looked like some one had pressed an invisible button operating the corners of his mouth. The smile was switched on and switched off in such an unnatural way, it convinced few and created just the kind of incongruence which leaves people feeling a bit confused and uncomfortable.

It was Guillaume Duchenne who, back in 1862, identified the muscle groups involved in a real heart-felt smile, subsequently known as the ‘Duchenne smile.’

Fake It ’Til You Make It

‘Remember even though the outside world might be raining, if you keep on smiling the sun will soon show its face and smile back at you.’ – Anna Lee

Yet, awkwardness apart, there are real benefits in practicing the simple art of smiling as, according to research, we smile when we are happy, but the act of smiling can also make us feel happier too.

It was in the 1970s that smile research really got off the ground. There were very consistent results from experiments which had people making happy or unhappy facial expressions and then measuring their mood afterwards. (3)

So, on balance, if you want to make a good impression, be attractive and approachable, head up the promotion ladder at work, or simply feel happier and more confident, pay attention to your non verbal communication skills, but, more importantly… smile!

Top Tips to Improve Nonverbal Communication

Mastering the Art of Conveying Confidence.

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Most people work hard pulling down degrees and polishing resumes in hopes of impressing hiring managers. But many neglect to master one of the most important hot buttons for employers – body language.

People rely on nonverbal cues such as posture and eye contact to evaluate others very quickly after an initial meeting, forming a first impression within 15 to 20 seconds, says Noah Zandan, president of Quantified Impressions, an Austin, Texas, communications-analytics firm. No matter how hard a person tries to perfect a presentation or job-interview answers, 90% of listeners’ first impressions of a speaker remain unchanged after hearing the content of his or her message, Zandan says.

Some young adults undermine that first impression by shifting their weight from one foot to another when speaking, Zandan says. Others lean to one side and thrust their chest and one shoulder forward in what he calls “the heart posture,” a pose that is common among young women in social-media photos and videos.

“It’s important to avoid any body language that makes you look youthful or unintelligent, or not in full command of what’s going on,” says Briar Goldberg, Quantified Impressions’ director of feedback.

To raise body-language awareness, Stanford University professor Deborah Gruenfeld created a class for M.B.A. candidates called “Acting with Power.” The 36-student course, which teaches the use of posture and other nonverbal signals of status and authority, has had waiting lists of up to 100 students every term since it began six years ago.

Many students enter the class with bad habits of slouching, standing on one foot or always crossing their legs when seated, says Gruenfeld, a professor of organizational behavior in Stanford’s Graduate School of Business.

Together with a co-instructor, Gruenfeld uses coaching and role-playing to teach the “physical manifestations of status – ways of holding your head, moving your eyes, and sitting and standing and speaking” that convey confidence, she says.

Students learn to assume a “squared-off stance, like a fortress,” with feet spread wide and weight distributed evenly between them, to respond to a challenge or emphasize a point. Other students practice “the ability to deliver a message with a straight face,” without the nervous smile that signals low status, Gruenfeld says.

Some students object to managing their body language, saying, “I’m really concerned about my authenticity. I don’t want to be faking it,” Gruenfeld says. She tells them that their current physical habits aren’t really of their own making either. They’re the result of conditioning by others, who have taught them since childhood to avoid behaving in ways that are “above your rank.” Children and teens are required to defer to their elders; young girls are often taught that crossing their legs is a sign of femininity, even though it’s seen by many as a low-power pose, as described in my “Work & Family” column.

“Status is a key determinant of how relationships work,” Gruenfeld says. To succeed in the workplace, “you have to learn to use your body in a way” that sends an authentic message about your role and relationships with others.

Readers, have you ever thought about your body-language habits, or tried to adopt a new stance or physical pose for a job interview or presentation? Has your posture ever caused you problems in work-related situations? Does the way you stand or sit affect how you feel or perform?

 source: WSJ

A Little Guide on How to Master the Art of Listening.

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We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. ~Zeno of Citium

We are living in a world where people feel disconnected from each other. A feeling of alienation is pervading our culture, and there is a deep reason why this is so.

The reason is that we have not yet learned to genuinely communicate.

This is most obvious when observing two people while they are having a conversation with each other. During a conversation, most people don’t truly listen to what the other is saying. Of course, they do hear words but that is very different from listening.

To listen means to understand the meaning that lies behind words. It means to be totally absorbed into what the other is trying to communicate. It means to be focused on the essence of what the other wants to convey through words.

let-go-past

By not being able to listen, we fail to communicate. Naturally, we end up feeling lonely and alienated. When we cannot understand others and others cannot understand us, we feel disconnected from the rest of humanity. When we have nobody with whom we can truly share our thoughts and emotions, we end up being depressed and develop various social phobias.

To feel connected with those around us, we need to start communicating on a deeper level. The basic and most important step to achieve this is by learning how to listen. Only in this way can we have a heartfelt communication where we can truly share with one another.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.

Here is a little yet concise guide on how to master the art of listening:

1. Desire to learn

A conversation is always an opportunity to learn something new. Everyone has a great story to tell, and we can learn from anybody. Many times when someone is talking to us we are just pretending to listen—we hear words, we nod our heads, we show that we understand, but in reality we don’t. The reason why this happens is that we are not truly interested to know about another’s story. We are so filled with our inner chatter, our problems and concerns, that we don’t have the mental space that is necessary to allow another’s story enter our lives. To genuinely listen, we need to cultivate the desire to learn, to understand—we need to care for what the other has to say.

2. Keep an open mind

Sometimes our ideologies are blocking new ideas from entering our minds. In addition, our opinions, superstitions, and expectations usually color the meaning of what others are trying to communicate to us through the spoken word. When listening to someone talking to you, make sure to leave your belief systems aside for a while and just keep an open mind.

3. Be receptive

While engaged in a conversation, most of us are continuously interrupting people, not letting others say what they want to say. We are continuously on the lookout for an opportunity to speak about our own story. In this way, however, we do not allow others to express themselves and communicate their thoughts and emotions to us. As a result, we never get to understand them. When  having a conversation, make sure not to hurriedly interrupt or respond, and stop trying to solve things out or reach to quick conclusions. Just listen.

4. Be patient

To understand another takes a great deal of patience. Usually we are in such a hurry that we don’t have the time anymore to get together and listen to each other. And even when we do, we do so in such a quick way that we don’t get anything out of it. We never get intimate with one another—we don’t allow ourselves to reach another’s mind, heart and soul. From now on, when you are having a conversation, don’t push it. Give it the time that is needed and just let it flow, allowing yourself to squeeze the juice out of it.

Source: Purpose Fairy